This Date in History

Where I complain about men and dating.
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Friends don’t let friends drunk text. At least they try unless you’re a belligerent alcoholic who refuses to give up her phone. Which obviously I am.

Rewind: I went out with some friends the other night despite having a nice night in planned. We went to our favorite bar for karaoke and drinks. We’re friends with all the bartenders as well as the karaoke DJ, so we just hung out with them all night. I think there were like 3 other people in the bar. I started off with a shot and a drink and it just went downhill from there. My friend’s boyfriend gave me Jager bombs - WHY? - and after that it’s all pretty fuzzy.

What I do remember: Drunk texting a hot guy. I know, we’ve all been there. You have a crush on this guy, but you’re always too nervous to do anything about it when you’re sober. Then you get some liquid courage in you and everything just goes to shit. You have the balls to tell that hottie you’d like to fuck him. Which is exactly what I did. Jesus Christ.

"Hey. You should come to THE BAR. Kcoolgoodplan."

"Let’s just be honest about the fact that I’m so drunk right now I would definitely go home with you even if you did ignore me all night."

"Fine, whatever, I’m super drunk and I’d like to fuck you."

Yeah those texts? They’re from me. I am an embarrassing drunk texter, apparently. I went ahead and got so drunk that I confessed my want to fuck this guy. This guy who I’ve literally met maybe twice in real life. He’s so hot though. I don’t regret it. I’m only going to regret it when I see him in person next time and he brings it up and I look like an idiot. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still want to fuck him. He’s super fucking hot. I’d like to ride his mustache like a bucking bronco. But these texts are still incredibly embarrassing. The worst part is that by the end of the night, I was so belligerently drunk and still texting people that when Oliver (my friend’s new boyfriend! Remember the Charles Dickens post?) tried to take my phone away I slapped him in the face in a Jack in the Box. Seriously, who am I? Note to self: Don’t get belligerently drunk again. The moral of this story is: Friends don’t let friends drunk text, so take their phone away before they get wasted.

In case you couldn’t already tell, this is my newest blog. I’m single, just so you know. I was in a relationship for almost six years and now I’m single for the first time since High School. Yes, I was with my ex-boyfriend since I was 16. I know. Insanity. Everyone thought we would grow up and have little high school sweet heart babies. Unfortunately, what we had in common in high school (virginity, losing our virginities, making out, and a part-time job running trains), wasn’t what we had in common as adults (I like books, he likes trains. I like concerts, he hates concerts. I like trying new things, he hates everything new. I like taking trips to the city, he hates the city.) As you can see, it ended poorly. No one was happy anymore and I had met someone who seemed to be my soul mate - he totally wasn’t, and more about him later.

So, back in March I became single and despite a few failed attempts to date I gave up on it for awhile and decided to just live life however I wanted. I’ve been partying hard, hanging out with friends, and basically just living the life I didn’t get to have before. I’m getting back into the world of dating, mostly just so I can learn how, but also because hanging out at home alone is kinda lame sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good, stiff drink and some Netflix binging as much as the next person, but it would definitely be nice to hang a hunk on my arm who I can show off to all my friends when they have “couples” nights. Being the fifth wheel is kind of tiring sometimes, even when the four people you’re with a great at wingmanning for you. So now I’m here. Making a real attempt at dating. It’s kind of weird, isn’t it?

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love people. I like meeting new people all the time when I’m out at bars or parties. Or at the grocery store, or the record store, or the bookstore, or work, or in real life. But meeting someone in real life is kind of hard in this day and age. It seems like our only option when it comes to dating is to go online. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m dating online. Through the internet. Via that dating site that almost everyone under 30 is using these days.

Online dating is terrifying.

No, really, it is. You sign on to this site, write up a quick description of yourself that you hope has the right balance “date me, I’m awesome” and “stay away if you’re creepy or gross” but everyone just skips your profile anyways in favor of just messaging you based on your attractiveness. Which I totally also do sometimes, but whatever we’re only human. I know, I shouldn’t judge how people are by their pictures, but I don’t want to date you if I don’t find you attractive and that picture that you have where you’re shoving a burrito into your mouth is not something I want to date. Sorry, I’m not sorry.

And then when you finally meet a guy who seems fun and entertaining and just nerdy enough, he turns out to be a creep. A creep who sends you pictures of himself in his “underoos” when you’re in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation. Or you meet the guy who wears mandals on the first date and then tries to get exclusive on the second date. Or the guy who sends you about 15 texts in a row because you’re working and can’t respond to him right now. Yeah, this is what you deal with when you date online.

But real life dating is also shitty…

Because in real life you have to go into a conversation with absolutely no information about a person other than that they have a nice smile and a sexy beard. You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable and you can’t get away with just ignoring them if they don’t seem like they’re your type even after a couple of drinks. And then you just keep drinking because they’re so boring you don’t know how you can stand them when you’re sober. And then you makeout with them and don’t remember it.

Or you see them out at a bar and you think, “Hey that guy has great style, I should make eyes at him until he responds and buys me a drink and maybe I’ll give him my number….” *makes eyes* *looks crazy* And then you see his girlfriend walk up and sit in his lap and you just give up and have another shot.

Or (and this is the worst) your friends introduce you to someone you think would be really great for you, and once you get to know them you realize that they’re just not fun or intelligent at all and you really wish you’d never agreed to date them, and eventually tell your friend that, “Hey, he’s boring, I’d rather skip that one….” and she feels bad because now her coworker…. really doesn’t actually care at all.

So… dating sucks. Here I go. Follow me through it.